Romance Is Easy. Love Is Hard.

Why the relationships in my modern epic fantasy romance novels feel more complicated than we want them to be

“Does this end in a HEA?”

I always blink for a few moments when I read that question on the screen. Bookstore intake form, PR promo pitch, general readership question…everyone wants to know if my novels—classified as “modern epic fantasy romance”, or “romantasy” when the character counts are super limited—will end in that much-needed, greatly-desired Happily Ever After.

As a whole? For the series?

Of course!

But here’s where I’ve felt challenged to go against the status quo when it comes to writing fantasy romance, romantasy, even the new urban fantasy romance subgenre that is the new series here on Substack, The White City {insert shameless promo moment here}:

Happily Ever After isn’t romantic.

It’s love.

And love is so much harder than figuring out a relationship status.

Mysterious little notes and flourishes of beauty were things he used to give her, just to remind her that even when he was off saving the world, she was still his world.

-Ithandryll

So… What exactly is the difference between Love and Romance?

Because I know that if you’re reading this, you’re probably someone who reads a lot, I’ll start with the strict definition(s) according to various dictionaries (i.e. Merriam-Webster & Oxford):

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ro•mance {rō-ˌman(t)s}
(noun)
1. a feeling of being in love
2. a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love
3. a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life

love {ləv}
(noun)
1. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
2. an intense feeling of deep affection
3. the act of putting others before oneself

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Right away, I can confidently confirm that I don’t simply write about romance in my stories.

Sure, the warm fuzzies are a great feeling. I love the toe-kicking, butterfly-stirring moments between the couples in Song of the Sidhe and The White City (and also Garden of the Gods, but that series is on the back burner for now). I love the stolen kisses and furtive whispers and soft touches that make someone wonder if that’s all it’s going to be or if it’s about to become “more”.

Knowing that it’s probably definitely going to become “more”, of course 😏

Antique toile fabric depicting a romantic French couple in the 19th century. (Canva)

But what happens after?

What happens when challenges arise? When the first several dates have gone great, the excitement and mystery is bathing our protagonists in all the tingles and thrills…but then a shoe drops and/or s**t hits the fan?

More importantly: what happens when one, or both, royally mess up?

I’m going to confess something to you that feels so insignificant at first and yet carries more weight than even I sometimes realize: one of my “guilty pleasures” is listening to YouTube videos about people’s drama. I’ve been a longtime fan of Charlotte Dobre, listen to Shorts about “when everything changed” in someone’s family and/or love life…and it truly did start as a way to get story ideas from real-life incidents.

I mean, c’mon. People are crazy. (Guilty as charged, here!)

But the more I listened, the more I noticed a pattern not just in the stories shared, but in the comments: people are unforgiving.

Scarily so.

Of course there will always be moments and situations that require going No Contact. Divorce. Filing charges, even. I’m never going to question those things because I’ve definitely experienced similar situations where a severance is the only means of survival.

But more often than not, a momentary lapse in judgment is treated with the same ruthlessness as a crime to the point that I’ve grown seriously concerned about where we’re headed as a people.

He forgot her birthday? Dump him!

She hid a credit card debt because she was scared how he’d react? Divorce her!

They didn’t disclose a mistake they made 8+ years ago because they’ve learned to do better and be better since then and are no longer that same person? Who cares! Obviously they lied on purpose, so cut them off and kick them out.

They now realize the error of their ways and want a chance to make things right? Screw them. They shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

Authors, Readers, Everyone Reading This Right Now: That Is NOT Love.

And it’s definitely not what romance is meant to lead to.

Romance, in its essence, can be a very dangerous trap. Those warm fuzzies, those butterflies, that little toe kick when the kiss finally happens…all of it can be fabricated as easily as a spell. It’s one of the reasons why we’ve long poetically ascribed it as “magic” and “witchcraft” in songs and humor—because we’re all aware, either consciously or subconsciously, that romance is a temporary shower of pixie dust and glamour meant to lead us into lasting love.

It just doesn’t always work out that way.

On a more harrowing note, romance is one of the many reasons why abusive relationships happen in the first place. “How could you stay?” Is a question I can still easily answer long after I’ve left that hell: I kept remembering all the good parts. All the happy moments. Even when I was being whittled away into nothing but pain and despair, gaslit by him and his family and his friends, I stayed because I was able to convince myself that the “romance” of it all made it worth it.

In far more common occurrences, romance dances with “love-bombing” until the recipient is either too fed up to stay on the dance floor or too confused and disoriented to see the red flags or recognize where it’s all headed.

Now, don’t get me wrong—romance can also be a beautiful, healthy, glorious thing to bloom between two people and I don’t want anyone reading this to automatically assume I’m saying romance = abuse. I’m not.

I freaking LOVE romance! I love the butterflies and flowers and soft candlelight and yes, even the nervousness and anxiety that’s more adorable than anything because there’s safety in knowing that even if we faceplant during that tango, it’s still perfect and wonderful and all the best things memory can preserve.

What I am saying is that romance leads up to that Happily Ever After…but the only way they actually are happily ever after is if Love is there to replace it.

True love. Real love.

The kind that happily sits on the edge of the bed and lets you use their sleeve as a tissue when the box runs empty and your sinus infection doesn’t care.

The kind that discovers the skeletons in the closet and calmly asks what that’s about, listens to the explanation, and sits down to forge a new path forward together.

Love wonders why you insist on camping outside in the cold, under a tent that’s too small, when the door to their warm house is unlocked and usually open…but even so, brings a warm blanket out so you won’t freeze to death before changing your mind.

It’s the kind of love that sighs heavily at the sight of someone, or a group of someones, on their doorstep after nine years of No Contact…but that sigh is filled with the last bit of weight that vanishes in the light of Forgiveness.

So when I answer that question, “Is there an HEA?” I answer it with a truth that never has enough space in the forms to convey:

Yes, there’s a Happily Ever After—because by the time we get to that point, they’ve learned what Love is, what it costs, and how far they’re willing to go and how much they’re willing to change in order to be the kind of people who can sustain it when the romance fades.

Again, don’t get me wrong: I don’t write about people who change for each other.

I write about people who change, regardless of whether they’ll still have each other, because Love means accepting that sometimes letting go is the best thing for both of them. Remaining stagnant and stubbornly set in your ways, however, is not only unhealthy for a relationship—it hinders your personal ability to overcome the challenges of past, present, and future.

I don’t write about people who overlook the wrongs.

I write about people who ask themselves if holding onto anger, pain, grief, and even guilt, is worth the cost of losing all opportunity to experience something better and brighter and more beautiful.

I don’t write about people who never get angry.

I write about people who learn to recognize when time spent in anger is time that could’ve been spent doing and being literally anything else.

I don’t write about people who never, ever mess up in massive ways.

I write about people who do it with pomp and flourish…and then grapple with the grave reality of what they’ve done and the consequences that now exist because they shoved Love aside to prioritize their own salvation.

In my books, Happily Ever After isn’t a marked point where the sweet & spicy tension culminates into a wedding and/or baby shower as if those are the End Goals.

In my books, Happily Ever After is earned through trials and tribulations, the Everything-That-Happens-After-Love-Is-Named. It’s the marked point where the relationship knows, and we know, and everyone else knows, that the winds could howl and the mountains could crumble and the oceans could plummet everything into a new Deluge…but none of it can or will ever break the bonds that Love forged.